| |
Congratulations! You are the latest member of the "I Love
Brian" Fan Club!
-----------------------
This is your OFFICIAL:
"I Love Brian" Fan Club
Member Starter Kit
-----------------------
Outline of the "I Love Brian" Fan Club:
--------------------------------------------------
Club Rules:
Rule #1: Never be mean to Brian.
Rule #2: C is for cookie, and cookie is for me.
Rule #3:
Rule #4: All members shall have voting privileges.
Rule #5: Voting privileges are worthless because Brian
makes the rules anyway.
Rule #6: All members shall sing the Official Club Theme
Song. Often.
Rule #7: No member is to be seen at any occasion where
nerds, enemies (see below), or stupid people are
present.
Rule #8: Okay, you can be somewhere with a stupid person
as long as you make it VERY CLEAR that you don't
approve of such people.
Rule #9: There is no rule 9.
Rule #10: Stupid people are not permitted. No exceptions.
Rule #11: See rule 9.
Rule #12: Lies are permitted, but not big lies.
Rule #13: Club members will remember to turn their turn
signals on
Rule #14: Club members will remember to turn their turn
signals off
--------------------------------------------------
Club Enemy List (ranked):
1. Satan
2. Stupid People
3. Ugly People
4. Snoopy Doggy Dog (covered under 2 and 3)
5. Tony the Tiger
6. That bully from 8th grade
--------------------------------------------------
Club Purpose: Continue progressively with no purpose
Club Motto: In Brian We Trust (sorta)
Club Animal: Dingo
Club Mascot: Person in a warm fuzzy Brian costume
Club Colors: Not visible in the normal light spectrum
Club HQ: The hearts of the loving members
Club Holiday: April 12th (Brian's Birthday)
Club Babe: Jessica Simpson
Club Beverage: Ovaltine
Club Secret: 32.8% of all statistics are not true
--------------------------------------------------
All members of the "I Love Brian" Fan Club are
entitled to the following, and more. (I just haven't
thought of them yet.)
* An Official Club Membership Card
* Brian's Special Priority Email Address
* A FREE subscription to the club newsletter (a $5,000
value!)
* The official Club Decoder Ring
* Access to a special PO Box where you can send unwanted
cash
* Permission to sing the "I Love Brian" club theme song
--------------------------------------------------
As promised, here are the items you are entitled to:
#1 - An Official Club Membership Card
This is a fun construction project. Make sure you have all
of the following before you begin:
- A Printer
- Scissors
- Crayons
- Paper in the printer (this is important)
- An IQ of at least 8 (this is even more important)
Directions:
Carefully cut out the membership card below. Remember to
stay on the lines (and print it out -before- you begin
cutting). Once you have it printed, use your crayons to
color it any color you wish!! Then, sign the bottom and put
it in your wallet. Just by having this card on your person,
members of the opposite sex will find you more attractive.
-----------------------------------------------
| "I Love Brian" Fan Club |
| Official Member |
| |
| This official and authentic card verifies |
| that ______________________ is an official |
| member of the "I Love Brian" Fan Club and |
| is therefore entitled to all of the rights |
| and privileges reserved under such status. |
| |
| Brian____________________________________ |
| Auth. Signature Member Signature |
-----------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------
#2 - Brian's Special Priority Email Address
This one is worth it's weight in gold. Using this
Special Priority Email address, you too can get in touch
with Brian during any crisis (except a crisis that might
require effort on Brians part -- please don't bother Brian
for such things). This email address goes directly to the
top of his inbox (meansing he will delete your mail before
anyone else's). The special priority email address is:
special-priority-email-address@glug.com
(and yes, that IS the real address)
--------------------------------------------------
#3 - A FREE Subscription to the Club Newsletter
You're getting a real deal with this one. To those who
aren't members of the "I Love Brian" Fan Club, a yearly
subscription to this newsletter is five thousand big ones!
('big ones' is rich-people talk for 'dollars'). That's a
lot of percent off the news-stand price!
If you are succesfully receiving this message, you will
receive the newsletter as well. Fear not.
Many people keep asking me how often the news letter comes
out, and the answer is: However often I feel like writing
it. So far, there hasn't been a release. But that just
means that when I finally feel like writing it, it's going
to be a collectors item.. (right?)
--------------------------------------------------
#4 - The official Club Decoder Ring
This is the most valuable, and you could just save my life
with this someday. Use your secret decoder ring to decode
secret messages from other club members, and even from
Brian Himself. Remember, we must not let secret information
into the hands of the enemies (or stupid people)!
Official Secret Club Decoder Ring: (sorry it's not ring
shaped.. )
A - 1 N - 14
B - 2 O - 15
C - 3 P - 16
D - 4 Q - 17
E - 5 R - 18
F - 6 S - 19
G - 7 T - 20
H - 8 U - 21
I - 9 V - 22
J - 10 W - 23
K - 11 X - 24
L - 12 Y - 25
M - 13 Z - 26
Already, there is an important message for you to decode!!
Quick! Use your secret decoder ring to decipher the
following message:
4-15-14-20 6-15-18-7-5-20 20-15 4-18-9-14-11
25-15-21-18 15-22-1-12-20-9-14-5.
--------------------------------------------------
#5 - Access to a special PO Box where you can send unwanted
cash
Have you ever been counting your large sums of money and
realized you just plain had too much money, but you weren't
sure what to do about it? Of course you have. We all have
(and if you haven't go try it right now). And now I have
the solution.
Because you are now a member of the esteemed "I Love Brian"
Fan Club, You need only let me know when you have some
extra (you can even use the priority Email address I gave
you) and I will give you the address. I don't want to make
it immediately available because I don't want too much
money all at once. It takes time to dispose of these things
properly.
--------------------------------------------------
#6 - Permission to sing the "I Love Brian" Theme Song
This is the one you've been dying to get. Absolutely
OFFICIAL permission to sing The Song. You will be the envy
of your friends and co-workers, and by singing this song,
you could possibly persuade that policeman to not give you
that ticket.
Note: I'm always accepting suggestions for versus. Those
who submit bad versus will be banished forever from the
club and thereby ruin their chance at greatness.
(To the tune of Clamentine)
I'm so happy
I'm a member
Of a club that's so divine
I can't wait to talk to Brian
He's the greatest of all time
Brian's the greatest
Brian's the neatest
Guy who's ever walked this land
I love Brian and his reindeer
And I think this song is grand
I hope I never
Do bad things
That might make Brian mad
'Cause I'm a member of his fan club
I can die, and be real glad
So Nyuh Nyuh Nyuh Nyuh
Nyuh Nyuh Nyuh Nyuh
You're not a member of his club
You're not as cool as me or Brian
That's why you can't have a hug
--------------------------------------------------
Welcome to the rank of the "I Love Brian" Fan Club!
|
|
