Brian's Brain

This time of year comes with shocking consistency. I'm not talking about geyser eruptions and bowel movements (despite the uncanny similarities), I'm talking about my birthday. I've decided that since I'm turning 25 this year, I'll make this one my mid-life crisis. Why people wait until their 40's or 50's to have one of these is beyond me. My best friend Kerby Smith is a long-time fan of the "bullet in the head" approach after 29. We all know this is ludicrous as there are at least 15 mildly okay years after 30, and in my case, since some of those will likely be spent in institutions, I'd like to try and squeeze in another 5. The other key advantage to having my mid-life crisis now is that this automatically entitles me to a Corvette. (I don't particularly like Corvette's, but it seems to be the staple car for people going through these hard times).

But this is all beside the point. The point here is that I'm having my mid-life crisis birthday on Saturday, and I'd like to make sure everyone is aware of what types of gifts I'm expecting. (Note to people who are reading this: This means you!).

1. Position as Iraq's new supreme dictator after Saddam is ousted -- I promise to be a good ruler. We'll call it "Briraq" and have a killer flag design contest in the elementary schools and "Every new baby gets chocolate eclair"
2. A keyboard with pre-defined curse words -- would improve my typing efficiency by 98%!
3. To President Bush: Please add Walmart to the Axis of Evil
4. 50 cases of candy in small, unmarked wrappers
5. Calvin Klein's speedy recovery
6. That seat on the British Parliament that I never got for Christmas? I STILL WANT IT!

Apparently, they're retiring the Concorde (very sad) but if you know where I can score one or two of the old ones, let's go ahead and add that to the birthday wish list.

See? Even large companies such as "Quantum Corporation" are aware of what a terrific guy I am.

*** From: "Quantum Corporation"
*** Subject: We'd like to give you a Flat Screen Monitor!

Want to turn a mere $800USD into $350 Million in just 2 weeks? All you need is a time machine!

I had this idea 2 years ago. I think my house is bugged.