Human Cloning - The Stem Cell Debate
[Originally posted on Thus Saith Brian]
Scientists at a Massachusetts technology company say they have created human embryos through cloning. They say the experiment was aimed not at creating a human being but at mining the embryo for stem cells used to treat disease. But the move is already drawing criticism from President Bush and lawmakers and rekindling the ethical debate over cloning and stem cell research. I'd like to take this opportunity to offer my opinion on the subject.
In all fairness, I am not an expert on the subject of cloning. However, I do realize that the technology is still relatively new and unexplored. I remember several years ago when Dolly shook the world after being the first succesfully cloned animal. The ironic thing about this amazing breakthrough was that none of us had any way of telling whether or not the company that succesfully performed the experiment was lying to us or not. (When was the last time you saw a sheep and said to yourself, "That sheep is a very unique sheep. I am positve it is not a clone of the one standing next to it"). Nevertheless, I would merely like you to bear in mind my lack of any real authority on the subject for which I am about to speak -- I do so in the name of science, since my experience has been that most people who claim to be experts are no more qualified to offer their opinion than most lab rats. It is for this reason that I jump on the bandwagon.
To be blunt, I have no problem with human cloning. (I feel a little differently about cloning animals, but that is the subject for another editorial). I do, however, feel that if we're going to clone human embryos that it's important to implement responsible and specific legislation in order to prevent the technology from being abused, as it so easily could be. I will focus the rest of my remarks on what I believe these laws should be.
Recent scientific studies (that I just made up) have proven that parents are now 34% more likely to have an ugly child than they were 30 years ago. This alarming new statistic is a major contributor to my opinion that cloning ugly people should be strictly outlawed. (Thanks, but we already have plenty). Additionally, because I recognize the difficulty in determining who we SHOULD clone if this is the case, I would propose that human cloning be limited strictly to Britney Spears and Jennifer Aniston.
Secondly, a sister study (that I also just made up, although it's based on actual experience) has indicated that good looking females are now 89% more likely to date jerks than ever before. I would propose that we figure out a way to make the new humans attracted to me, and only me. A lot. Doing otherwise does me no good. Naturally, I would expect scientists to play a responsible role in recognizing the importance of this particular issue.
Finally, we must strictly regulate the moodiness of the hot girls after they are cloned. It would be entirely irresponsible if we failed to prevent the science experiments from becoming what can best be described as "bitchy". This point must be strictly enforced.
I believe that if we can succesfully regulate the cloning industry by passing the legislation I've outlined above, we will have overcome all of the moral and ethical issues currently standing in our way. I am a firm believer that the science of cloning has tremendous potential for improving our society if we use it responsibly by making sure all of the clones are really hot and attracted specifically to me.