Brian's Brain

[originally posted on Thus Saith Brian]

... or so I've heard them called. But just to be fair, I've never been one to base the sexual preference of an individual on their chosen means of entertainment (okay, maybe there are limits to that statement, but I'm going to avoid that tangent so we can keep this thing rated PG). It's the intelligence of the people willing to strap a board to their feet and let gravity do the rest under insane conditions that I'd like to address. (In case you're one of these people and you're a little slow on the uptake, I'm referring to snowboarders)

I should immediately point out that I have no problem with the sport itself. Winter sports are enjoyed by millions of people across the world and snowboarding has only minor variations that separate it from skiing. The problem, at least as near as I can tell, has nothing to do with the actual sport (more on that later).

The real issue at hand is that people who are frequent snowboarders almost invariably have the IQ of a peanut shell. Indeed, it seems the amount of time a given person spends participating in the sport is inversly proportional to their ability to comprehend basic ideas. (For those of you who are snowboarders that means the more you snowboard, the dumber you get).

Before you send your flames, consider all the snowboarders you know who hit the slopes more than once a week. How many of them understand how to speak in complete sentences? Do they use the word "dude" or various obscenities to make up for a lack of grammatical ability? How many people do you know who snowboard frequenly have ever received a B or higher in a calculus class? We can even take that a step further and ask how many of those people even know the basic concepts behind advanced high school math.

Again, the symptoms are not nearly as evident in people who only participate occasionally versus those who eat sleep and breath the sport. Indeed, many active participants even go so far as to admit that snowboarding is a lifestyle. I submit, however, that the lifestyle isn't snowboarding. The culture they've defined for themselves is instead centered around intellectual deprivation; Idiots seeking self-actualization through association with other idiots.

I can see the board-bunnies relaxing, knowing that this trend is mainly noticeable in guys. I freely admit the outward signs of stupidity I've described above are not nearly as apparent in the female participants. Unfortunately, I believe they are affected equally. I base this statement on the idea that if you ask a hundred random girls what traits they admire in a guy, intelligence will always be somewhere near the top of the list. If this is indeed the case, why do board-bunnies prefer the romantic company of male-boarders? The answer is simple. Psychologically speaking, humans base intelligence not on how smart the other human is, but on how smart that person is in comparison to themselves. (To a 1st grader, even the most intellectually challenged high school student would be considered a genius!) Obviously, the female participants are even more affected than the males if they can find a suitor of sufficient intellectual capacity within their own culture to fulfill their requirements.

While I would prefer to focus on snowboarders alone, it would be unfair to eliminate "skaters" and "surfers" from this column as all of the observations made above apply equally to these cultures as well. Is it the act of using a friction-friendly board as a means of motion that causes brain cells to die? Or does an increasing lack of intelligence cause people to increase their activities in these sports? Until we know for sure, it may be wise to avoid the half-pipes and the slopes at all costs, "dude".